Miss Independent…or I Miss Independence

I recently joined Gilda’s Club here in the Twin Cities and one of the many free resources I’ve utilized is the writing classes they offer. I have so many emotions and thoughts about cancer but when I sit down with a notebook or my laptop, I’m overwhelmed and don’t know where to begin. These classes not only provide us with prompts but are designed to help us find growth, healing and purpose in our cancer stories.

One of the prompts in our last Writing for Healing workshop was “Changes in me/my life that I don’t like”. Below is what came up for me:

One of the hardest things about cancer for me was the loss of feeling independent.

As a kid, I never considered myself very independent. I relied on my parents a LOT, because I could.

But going away to college, then moving across the country, then starting over in a new city all on my own: those things changed me and I liked who I was becoming.

I felt stronger. I felt brave.

I felt like I got to be me and not just the me everyone thought they knew.

I wasn’t the fat kid from elementary school.

I wasn’t the girl who won all the spelling bees.

I wasn’t another Richartz kid or Peg’s daughter or Corbin’s cousin.

I was just ME.

Nobody knew any of those other things about me.

It felt like freedom.

Then, CANCER.

Cancer took so much of that from me.

I moved home to be closer to family.

I still wholeheartedly believe I made the right decision but there was a lot of loss in that choice too.

Loss of my new career path.

Loss of my new home.

Loss of the future I had been building.

I go through periods of time now where I have to stay with my parents again.

I can’t shower without help. I can’t change my own bandages. I can’t take out my garbage or do my hair or even pick up my cat.

I’ve lost all of that hard fought independence.

I feel like I’ve become truly dependent on others.

I feel like I can’t plan or build a future. My future feels so uncertain.

No future is guaranteed but mine feels especially fragile.

I feel like baggage.

I feel like a burden.

If you’ve ever felt like this, I’d love to hear how you cope? How do you regain that sense of independence?

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