The Truth About Mental Health and Melanoma

“I don’t want to die.”

I didn’t even realize I was thinking the words until the tears were flowing down my cheeks.

It’s been a rough month for me. When it comes to my health, things have felt a little too real and my future a little too uncertain.

I’ve had four biopsies, scheduled another surgery, had three ultrasounds, found out I’m at increased risk for breast cancer, began the discussion around genetic testing and began seeing a GI doctor to find out why everything I eat upsets my stomach. In spite of all of that, the hardest part has just been not feeling good and not having any explanation for why. My doctors all take extra precautions with me because of my cancer history, and I really appreciate it, but it’s also scary too. They wouldn’t do that if my risk of cancer recurrence wasn’t higher than that of the average person. After three melanomas in a year and a half, my mental and emotional health could really use a break.

But as the tears came, I also realized how far I’ve come from 2016 Jenn and the day I sat in my car and wished I was dead. At the time, I was about a year out from my first cancer diagnosis. That day, I wasn’t crying because I was scared. I cried because I hadn’t even realized I felt that way until it popped into my head.

I was struggling with survivor’s guilt and ongoing biopsies and surgeries.

I was grieving the job and city I had left behind.

I felt hopeless and worthless with no way out and no end in sight.

I felt like a burden to everyone who cared about me.

And I truly believed they would be better off if I wasn’t here.

I’ve come a long way since that day but I still have days I feel that way. As a cancer survivor, I feel so guilty when those feelings creep in because so many in my situation aren’t here today because of this same damn disease.

Life is hard and living with cancer is really fucking hard:

• the fear of recurrence
• the physical reminders
• the uncertainty
• the scars
• scanxiety
• the loneliness
• the medical bills
• the ongoing treatment
• losing friends to cancer
• the loss of independence
• the health insurance battles
• when life after cancer doesn’t feel like life without cancer

Healing looks more like a kindergartener’s scribble than a straight line. It’s hard work and takes time.

But it’s SO worth it.

YOU are worth it.

And as my own loved ones have reassured me, I promise that life is better with YOU in it. Whatever you are going through, if you are struggling, please ask for help.

You are loved.

You are needed.

The lifeline network is open 24/7, available for everyone, free and confidential.

1-800-273-8255